declutter my heart

In July I went to help my aunt, the plan was to “declutter” her home , we didn’t exactly know what that meant or would entail but ten days later we felt we had accomplished what we had set out to do, with a few minor adjustments. The first step was to get started, but where, what was the game plan? The vision? We had to have a shared vision hers and mine to get to the same ending point. The first day was kind of slow going through trial and error, we formed and reformed the plan. The hard part was actually realizing that to be successful in this venture some things would have to go, all that collecting and never letting go was not the answer to the solution, and that is where the rubber meets the road. As I am helping my aunt I would throw away things I thought totally useless only to find that she had retrieved it and would proceed to explain all the merits and uses of each. I, as my aunt, have gotten used to all my stuff, not realizing it is weighing me down, not even seeing it anymore, the “junk” that needs to be tossed out and way, it’s just there familiar and comfortable. I get it, I get it, I really do, I understand my aunt only too well. Let me convince you as to why I need to keep “MY STUFF” keep it all!! Let me start with the hard protective shell I keep around to pull out as needed to hide my shattered heart, no more hurt for me. How about the memories I keep fresh in a tattered basket to remind myself of my failures and how useless I feel, who ever appreciated me trying ? What good did it do anyway? The hurt I keep boxed up, wrapped in used ripped paper and a limp dusty bow to open up to those memories, all those emotions that hurt, bringing them to the forefront so I remember to keep myself closed off from others a way to avoid the pain and stay safe. Some of the collected clutter is beautifully wrapped, beribboned in silk and placed front and center labeled clearly “happy times-remember when”, “safe, secure”, “contentment”, and “loving moments”. I go back to these boxes often- holding them tight, reliving them over and over, grieving what has been lost, clinging to the past missing out on now, today, tomorrow. I sit here alone, lonely, living amidst all “my stuff”. As my aunt and I continued, we encouraged each other, took breaks, regrouped, focused on the goal. Some times our strategy would change and so is it with my “declutter program”, it’s not what I had planned to do or even want to do, but it’s time, I find myself not being able to move or at times take a breath. It is time to get rid of some things, to pack away and store some things, to surround myself with all things pure and good, right and lovely. Life changes moment to moment, it never pauses. I have never liked change, it has been a detriment to me many times, but there is a constant in my life and that is God, He is the same yesterday, today, and forever He never changes. He has a plan for me, He knows those plans, plans for welfare and not for calamity to give me a future and a hope. So changes with Him in charge shouldn’t be so bad, I am asking Him for help, for courage, strength, to start. I feel overwhelmed as where to start, fearful, and vulnerable, I felt those things from my aunt when she asked me to help her. She was so excited, so encouraged, so free when we got finished. She said she couldn’t believe how good it felt. I am looking forward to the same thing, Father God , “let your hand become my help” Psalm119:173, help me to recognize those things that have me bound, help me to let go and set aside those things that entangle and hinder. Thank you for your faithfulness Lord. “Just Me”

Whispers of the ocean

I remember the 1st time I saw the ocean, my son took me, it was a rugged coast line, the tides came rushing in, the waves crashing against the rocks, water spraying up and all around—then the quiet as it receded-to build up once again, I watched it over and over and over. Something shifted in me, there was a longing in the very inner most part of me, it caused so many emotions to come altogether, whirling here and there, tears flowed for whatever reason. Maybe the vastness and the expanse of the ocean put into perspective how minute I really am? Just a speck in the grand scheme of things? Overwhelmed at the magnificence of my creator? It humbled me? It brought to me hope and a sense of peace? Peace in the midst of the roar of waves pummeling-wearing away at the sharpness of the boulders and rocks –an unseen hand pulling in the tide of water and then letting it go once again. The creator is in control! So it is with me-the roar of doubt, insecurity, loneliness, and whatever else, this world crashing against me wearing me down, I sense this whisper in the loudness of it all, calling out to me, “Come, Come, COME,---I am here, in the roaring and crashing, I am here when the waves cover the rock and you can’t see it. When you feel like you are going under this very second I am here. I am your place to stand.” How can I not choose to hear his voice? The very one that has created the universe is calling out to me-I may just be a grain of sand but He knows me, He cares and loves me, I am not insignificant to Him. I must choose to believe, it is my choice. He is here waiting. Lord, help me to find you, your peace in the turmoil of this life, the quiet in the storm, the whisper of you in the ocean, knowing there is an unseen hand, yours, holding me in your palm safe and secure. That I would allow you to smooth away the rough, sharp edges of my heart. Forgive me for the shaking knees, upset stomach at times, the tears, (though you collect my tears and save them) the struggles, I am determined to be strengthened by your presence, I will rest in your peace. Teach me Father God, show me your ways, thank you for your grace and mercy.
Just me,
Climbing to the
“Rock”